WIVES, SUBMIT?

When we, as women, hear the phrase, “wives, submit”, we cringe. We, in our women empowerment movement, twitch and our skin crawls at the idea of ‘submitting’ to someone else – especially when that someone else is supposed to be our partner!

We are strong, we are capable, we are able to accomplish whatever it may be that is before us. We don’t need to submit to our spouse. This whole idea of submission is so outdated. Past tense. “Old Testament” if you will.
We are, if nothing else, a team. EqualsPrecisely.Wives, Submit
Girls, that is EXACTLY what God had in mind when he created us. To be a part of a team with our spouse. That is God’s heart for our marriages. Within that system, God has called us women to godly submission to our husbands, just as God has called husbands to love their wives.

What Submission is not:

Let’s get this out of the way real quick.
Submitting to your spouse is NOT:

  • Allowing him to lord over you like an untamed dictator.
  • Having your strings pulled by your spouse for compliance.
  • The idea of submission is not to every man – your spouse only.
  • Does not and should not produce lop-sided relationships.
  • A dig nor is it a blow to your integrity.

What Submission is:

Conceding to the idea of your husband being a leader in the home

What?!? Didn’t we just establish that this was not going to be the case? Hang on, ladies. This is different than your husband being the boss over you. This is allowing your husband to lead the home as God leads him. If you think about it, it’s a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. This shows up typically in major decisions for the family:

  • Large purchases
  • Family decisions
  • Job decisions
  • Family concerns

Wives, you should still absolutely be a part of the discussions!! Your voice matters and it is valid. Remember though, just because you go through this, doesn’t mean you two will always agree. Coming to the same conclusion is not the goal here. But learning to trust your husband beyond what you can see is the idea of submission. This speaks loud volumes of love to your husband. It says “I trust you enough to support you in this decision in leading our family.” It’s exactly what Jesus wants us to do with him.

Submission builds confidence

When we submit to our husband, confidence is built. It’s built in our spouse when he sees how we trust him. We become more confident in our marriage as it becomes a place of trust and safety. We become more confident in our relationship with Jesus as He is ultimately the one we submit to and by submitting to our spouse, we are indeed, submitting to our God.

We become more confident in ourselves as we look to submit and serve our spouse. Confident in our ability to not only survive but thrive in an environment where we are not completely in control but instead relinquishing leadership to our spouse.

Submission builds trust

When we are committed to submitting to our husbands, it speaks loud volumes that we trust him. We are trusting him to make the best decision for our marriage and our family. Remember though, submission does not demand perfection.

Just because we are trusting our husbands to make the best decisions, doesn’t mean he’ll never make a mistake. He’s not God. He’s only human. And when we continue to submit to him, to trust our spouse, our lives yell, “I trust you have our best interest in mind!” This leaves our husbands with confidence to try again.

Submission creates an environment of security for children

When we willingly and joyfully submit to our husbands, we show our children in word and in deed that it’s ok to trust daddy. That dad’s best intentions are for the well-being of our family. A standard is created for them to carry into their own relationship someday. One in which the girls will look for a leader in a spouse and the boys will be a leader in their home.

The idea of ‘submitting’ to our spouse is scary. The very word make most cringe. It is scary to trust someone else. To trust that they have the best intentions for our family. Sometimes it doesn’t always feel this way – but that’s ok. We are not called by God to demand perfection from our spouse.

We are called to trust our spouse’s leadership with an understanding that he’s human and will make mistakes. Love him by being gracious and finding the best in the situation. Hopefully it can be something that you’ll both laugh at in the future!

For further growth in this area, check out Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.

depression counselorsOver 1,400 families in southwest Missouri trust the counselors of The Relationship Center to serve their counseling needs. With more than 14,000 hours of therapy in the last 5 years alone TRC counselors have the experience that can make the difference. We specialize in Biblically Christian and Clinically Proven Counseling provided by Licensed Professionals. Session fees range from $75-$125 and we have payment plans & scholarships to meet every budget. Have more questions? Click Here to Learn More About Marriage Counseling at The Relationship Center

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How to Tell Your Kids You’re Having Problems in Your Marriage

Talking to Your Child about Your MarriageIn an ideal world, marriage would be continually blissful and if there just happened to be a disagreement, it would be a trite little thing resolved in moments. Unfortunately, this is not the world we live in. In our humanness, we are guaranteed to face conflict at some point in time.

Conflict within the home, especially, can have a lasting impact on our children. How we deal with this conflict and what we choose to do with it can determine how our children are affected by it.

Should we tell our children what’s going on?

We can expect to deal with disagreements in marriage and have marital conflict, let’s define ‘marital conflict’ as an ongoing strenuous point in your relationship. Although we might have ongoing disagreements, many times we feel conflicted about when to tell the children or even if we should.

Your children need the heads up if the conflict has been going on for a period of time and it is disrupting the marriage:

  1. To the point of going to counseling
  2. Sleeping in separate rooms
  3. Moving to separate places

Parents often think they’re doing a service to their child by hiding everything from them and one day surprise them with the news of one spouse moving out. This can be earth shattering to a child. Imagine sending your child to school one day and everything is fine and the next day they need to face school with the news their parents are separating.

Talking to your children in an age appropriate manner can help relieve some of the stress. They don’t need every detail but having parents on the same page with their children can be stress relieving.

How do we talk to our children about what is taking place within the home?
  • It’s important to realize that children rely on the home as being a stable environment. This helps your child thrive. Marital conflict does not mean you’re going to ruin your child, but there must be clear communication by parents.
  • There needs to be a clear message from both parents that the conflict is strictly between the adults and that your child is NOT at fault in anyway.
  • Sharing with the child, dependent on age – less details when younger, more when older – the basics of the conflict, what you as parents are doing to work through it, and goals for an outcome.
  • This is best done when everyone can sit down as a family. When children can hear the same thing from both parents and have assurance from both parties, they are less likely to  feel caught in the middle. This gives the child a sense of safety and security and allows the child to focus on their developmental goals – making friends, engaging in school and other activities – and not be consumed with the parent’s relationship. This is a vital piece for children.
Here are a few examples of dialogues for different ages:

Elementary: Remember this is best done with both parents present.

Susie, mom and dad want to talk to you about something that is going on. Mom and dad are having some trouble getting along and so we are going to sleep in separate rooms for a little while so we can work on getting along. This is between mom and dad and it is no one’s fault. We want to you to keep playing and having fun. If you have any questions you can ask either one of us.” (It’s best to have both parents talking during this discussion). “We love you and we’re so glad you’re a part of our family.”

High school: Again, best done with both parents present.

Tommy, we have something we need to share with you. Your mom and I have been not getting along for some time and are having a difficult time coming to a resolution. We are in counseling and seeking help so we can have the best marriage possible. In the meantime, we are going to be sleeping in separate rooms. This is not your fault or your brother’s fault. This is between your mom and I. We are here for you no matter what and if you have any questions you can feel free to ask at any time. We love you and we’re so glad you’re a part of our family.

Here is a more detailed process on how to talk with your children:

Allow your child to ask questions.

This is a scary time for them. By allowing them to ask questions:

  • It reinforces that they are very much a part of the family
  • Communicates they are not a part of the problem
  • Shows that there is open communication

Your child may or may not have questions immediately come to them. Let them know that you understand this and are available to them when those questions arise. Some parents may face children, specifically teens, who become distant or annoyed with the conversation.

This does not mean your child is disinterested but simply is using a defense mechanism to help themselves cope with the news. As a parent, be careful not to let this determine a response of ‘they’re not interested’, ‘they’re fine’, or ‘they don’t care. None of those would prove to be accurate.

Don’t make promises you cannot keep.

For example, don’t promise your children that everything will be back to normal or that a spouse will come back home if they have chosen to leave. There is no way you can guarantee this, even if it is what is hoped for. Being age appropriate honest with your kids will give them a greater sense of security than if you promise things you cannot deliver.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes.

If you were 6 or 8, 14 or 17, what would you need from your parents during this time? There’s an age old adage that says ‘hindsight is 20/20’. Your child may not know what they need specifically from you at this time. Help them put words to their needs by putting yourself in their shoes.

Keep nasty comments to yourself.

They are not helpful in any way, shape, or form. They are destructive not only to the child, the relationship with the child and the other spouse, but to you and your child. If the conflict arises to such a degree, there needs to be a clear understanding that defaming the spouse in front of the children is simply not okay.

If you need additional help communicating with your kids about your marriage, or help with your marital conflict, please contact me at The Relationship Center.

 

depression counselorsOver 1,400 families in southwest Missouri trust the counselors of The Relationship Center to serve their counseling needs. With more than 14,000 hours of therapy in the last 5 years alone TRC counselors have the experience that can make the difference. We specialize in Biblically Christian and Clinically Proven Counseling provided by Licensed Professionals. Session fees range from $75-$125 and we have payment plans & scholarships to meet every budget. Have more questions? Click Here to Learn More About Marriage Counseling at The Relationship Center

The post How to Tell Your Kids You’re Having Problems in Your Marriage appeared first on Rebecca Barratt, MA, LPC.

Winning a Fight With Your Spouse

Love & MarriageIt may not look like black eyes and bruises, but spousal disagreements are just a part of marriage. No one is ever looking to lose a fight, but what if there is a way for both parties to ‘win’. See, winning isn’t about proving your rightness or their wrongness, but making sure each party is heard and understood – working to come to a conclusion together. That’s what builds the bond of cohesiveness within a marriage.

Let’s take a look at six specific ways to win a fight with your spouse:

1. Ask for Time to Talk:

Just because something pops up into your mind doesn’t mean it is the best time to talk about it. Take some time to evaluate; have you both just had a strenuous day? Is someone sick? Is the baby crying? Ask your spouse if now is a good time to talk, share that there is something that has been on your heart that you would like to work out. If now is not a good time, schedule a time to come back and talk about the issue and resolve it. Letting it fester will only burn a hole in your heart and make you resentful towards your spouse.

2. Take Personal Responsibility:

Eleanor Roosevelt once said that “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. The same is true for emotions across the board. Though our spouse can have influence over our emotions, we are ultimately responsible for the way we feel. With that being said, blaming your spouse for making you mad or sad or angry just isn’t going to work. Personal responsibility for one’s own emotions looks like “I feel hurt…” Coming from this stance not only gives validation to your heart, but can stop you from pouring gasoline onto already hot coals.

3. Be Respectful:

Being called names wasn’t fun in elementary school and it’s not fun in a marriage. Just because there is a disagreement doesn’t mean that it is okay to berate or belittle the one you chose to spend your life with. Being respectful also means you allow your spouse to feel what they feel. Not being easily offended by their emotions, which also means you’re not going to tell them that what they are thinking or feeling is wrong. Their experience is true to them just like yours is to you. Telling your spouse that they should not be thinking a certain way and trying to ‘win’ them over to your side is not respectful and will only create a larger distance between you.

4. Lay the Past to Rest:

By bringing up the past you state clearly that you have yet to clear the air on former issues. You’ve allowed a hole to fester in your heart in the form of resentment and now it’s seeping poisonous toxins. No one benefits from bringing up past issues. Using phrases like “always” and “never” also indicate you’re still stewing on the past. Once you and your spouse have discussed an issue, let it be.

5. Stay on Point:

If you have come to your spouse with a punch list of wrongs they have committed, then you have not done a good job of caring for your heart. Perhaps you’ve played the role of ‘serving spouse’ – you’ve quietly taken care of ‘wrongs’ committed by your spouse but in your heart you’re building piles of resentment. There is no benefit in playing this role and it creates space between you and your spouse. Tackle issues as they arise. Decide the one issue that is pressing, stick to it, and resolve it. It can feel overwhelming when your spouse comes to you with a list of 15 things you’ve done wrong. If there are more topics to be covered, schedule a time.

6. Check Your Heart, Check With God:

Take your heart and your hurt before God. Is this disagreement one that is affecting your marriage or is it a personal preference of yours? Making sure the towels are folded just right is not an indicator of your spouse’s love or dislike for you. It’s a personal preference that needs to be worked out within your own heart. Sometimes fighting fairly with your spouse can be difficult and needs outside intervention.

If you and your spouse need help in navigating fighting fairly, please know help is available. Click Here to schedule an appointment to talk with someone at The Relationship Center about helping you and your spouse strengthen your marriage.

depression counselorsOver 1,400 families in southwest Missouri trust the counselors of The Relationship Center to serve their counseling needs. With more than 14,000 hours of therapy in the last 5 years alone TRC counselors have the experience that can make the difference. We specialize in Biblically Christian and Clinically Proven Counseling provided by Licensed Professionals. Session fees range from $75-$125 and we have payment plans & scholarships to meet every budget. Have more questions? Click Here to Learn More About Marriage Counseling at The Relationship Center

The post Winning a Fight With Your Spouse appeared first on Rebecca Barratt, MA, LPC.